Untitled-2 (Subtitled: "The Crazy Funny Daria Show")

by Chris Smith

Daria is a registered trademark of .... aaaa fuck MTV. What the hell have

they done for me lately? Huh? MTV Cancels Headbanger's Ball, they ruined

Beavis & Butt-Head, and they keep plugging no-talent hacks that think

they're better than everyone. What have these pricks ever done for me?

(C)1999

DISCLAIMER: For those that are looking for a deep, emotional story with

love and occasional comedy, then leave now, because this is a totally

psychotic script. It's not my damn fault if you like trashy romance novels

with Fabio on the cover more than cartoons.

To Katherine G.: Best friend in the world, one who has most likely already

strangled me to death for the title. You gotta love her, regardless. :-)

Scene: Lawndale High School, Timothy O'Neill's class.

O'Neill: And just what exactly is Al Gore refering to when he wrote "Romeo

& Juliet"?

Daria: Ummm, Al Gore didn't write that.

O'Neill: Hmmm, ok, ummm, class, I want you all to read pages 1067 through

1043.

Daria: Of what?

Jane: And more importantly, why do you want us to read backwards?

O'Neill: Uhhhh........

Daria: Where's your brain today?

O'Neill: It's not my damn fault. The prick with the cue cards called in

sick today!

Jodie: You mean.....?

O'Neill: Yes, I don't know a thing about teaching. They only hired me

because I was easy on Ms. Li's eyes.

(The class shudders in unison. Daria suddenly gets up and walks

toward the door.)

O'Neill: Daria? Where are you going?

Daria: If I'm not going to learn anything today, then I've got no reason

to be here.

(Daria leaves the classroom, and all of a sudden, she winds up in

the hallway outside of Jane's bedroom. She sees Jane doing another

painting and looks to be in shock)

Jane: Ok, I admit it, it doesn't look all that great, but then my arm

isn't exactly 100%.

Daria: Wasn't that arm supposed to have healed by now? It's been more than

a year.

Jane: One of the many quirks of surgery, I guess.

Daria: So, umm, how'd you get here so fast?

Jane: Ummm, I've been here all day.

Daria: But a minute ago I just saw you in Mr. O'Neill's class.

Jane: You must have been going through some sort of .... of ..... Aw,

shit. LINE!

(Suddenly, a voice yells "CUT!" and a stagehand walks in and hands

Jane a copy of the script.)

Jane: (peeved) Hallucination! How the hell did I forget that word?

Trent: Hey, it happens to everyone. I thought you were great.

(Trent and Jane kiss. Daria's eyes widen)

Daria: What the.....

Jane: Something tells me you've been living on the set too long.

Trent: Yeah, don't you even remember?

Daria: I guess it's been too long. I can't remember.

Narrator: Strictly for the record, on stage, they're brother and sister,

in real life, Trent Lane and Jane Lane are happily married. >:)

Daria: I did NOT need to hear that.

Jane: Who the fuck IS that guy anyway?

(Right out of nowhere, an exact double of Jane walks into the

room.)

Jane: Hey Jackie.

Jackie: Ay. Hey, Daria, why'd you walk out? We were shooting a scene.

Daria: I'm sorry, I guess I got lost in my character.

Director (Off-camera/P.A. Speaker): Ok, guys. Take five, we'll re-shoot in

the morning.

(Everyone takes off from the set, Quinn and Sandi start to walk

out when Sandi trips Quinn.)

Quinn: Ooooowwwwwww! What the fuck's your problem?!

Sandi: You blew the whole scene! Now I have to do those same lines again

in that horrible voice!

Quinn: It's not my fault that that hornet somehow got into the studio! You

know how scared I am of bees!

Sandi: If you weren't my sister, I'd rearrange your face on the spot.

Quinn: Just be glad you HAVE your face. Do you remember how much it cost

to have my damn face repaired after that kitchen fire?

Sandi: Don't remind me.

(They leave the scene, Kevin and Brittany come out of the dressing

room soon after. Kevin looks like a normal person, while Brittany seems to

bear a striking resemblance to a pop star of the same first name. Brittany

stops for a second to let Kevin pass by, and she trips him.)

Kevin: What the fuck?! That ain't cool.

Brittany: Silly boy, I'm Brittany Spears. Everything I do is cool.

Kevin: Even getting that boob job?

(Brittany kicks Kevin in the knees. While Kevin's down, Brittany

spits on him and walks away.)

Jane: I guess getting implants can do that to a girl. Hey Trent, remind me

to get some, will ya?

(A few seconds pass while everyone exchanges glances)

Trent: Please tell me you're joking.

Jane: Am I? I saw your Hustler magazines under the bed. Man, oh man, you

should have seen the jugs those chicks' got in there.

(Trent is totally embarassed.)

Jane: Awwwwwwwwww, poor Trentie's red. C'mon, (takes Trent's arm) let's

head on home.

(Daria is alone with Jackie, they decide to walk over to the Pizza

King set, and sit at their table.)

Daria: I really HAVE been living on the set too long. I don't even

remember you.

Jackie: Hey, shit happens. Eventually, you deal. Take me, for instance. I

almost never got this part as Jane's double. Take a guess as to how many

look-alikes are living right here in New York. C'mon, guess.

Daria: Three?

Jackie: Try nineteen. (Bends across the table and whispers very lightly) I

actually had to sleep with the director to get the part!

(Daria rolls her eyes back)

Scene: The suburb where Lawndale is filmed. Daria is walking

through the town. She sees Jodie run up to her, totally in shock.

Jodie: Daria! You gotta help me! Help me find some heroin, quick!

Daria: Ummm, do I LOOK like a dealer?

Jodie: Don't you start playing ammnesia, now. Quick!

Daria: Since my work conditions require me to forget I spoke to you,

what's the nature of our transaction, again?

Jodie: Ok, see, we've been keeping Stacy on a steady dose of heroin ever

since "Malled", since her sober self can be .... well ..... violent. In

fact, she's been committed more than six times in the past year.

(All of a sudden, Stacy's real voice can be heard, unfortunately)

Stacy: Where the fuck are you, Moesha?!! Huh?!!!?

Moesha/Jodie: Oh shit! God help us all!!!! (She runs like hell)

(Stacy comes into view, looking totally different. Stacy's wearing

a leather vest with a zipper, black see-thru shirt, black tight jeans, and

combat boots. But most importantly, Stacy's hair isn't braided. Stacy is

unbelievably pissed.)

Daria: Uh, Stacy?

Stacy: What the fuck do you want?!

Daria: Hmmmm. Basically, world peace, the popularity factor crushed, and a

cheeseburger and fries. I missed lunch.

Stacy: I'm not in the FUCKING mood, bitch!!

Daria: Look, I've got nothing to do with this. If you're looking for

Moesha, (Turns around and points) she went that way.

Stacy: Really? Thanks.

(Stacy runs in that direction, chasing after Moesha. Seconds

later, Tiffany appears from behind a bush.)

Tiffany: What'd you do that for?! You know Stacy'll kill her, right?!!

Daria: True, but she's been so annoying lately with all of those school

functions.

Tiffany: But that was just an act!!

Daria: Oh, right.

(Jodie runs by the two, screaming for dear life, while Stacy

is chasing her with a bat.)

Tiffany: (Crossing her arms) Where'd your brain go?

(Daria shrugs)

Scene: The Morgendorffer house. Daria rings the doorbell.

Daria (Thinking): I wonder if this is really such a hot idea.

(Helen answers the door, and is surprised to see Daria)

Helen: Uhh, hi.

Daria: Hey. I just thought I'd drop by.

Helen: That's reassuring. I figured you were just coming by to feed more

of that poison into my daughters!

Daria: Ummm, Helen? Something happened to me today, and I don't know what.

I don't really remember being a dealer, I don't remember all of this

(waves her hand in all directions).

Helen: Uh-huh, sure. Next thing you tell me is that you think I'm your

real mom, right?

(Daria just stares at Helen)

Helen: Oh my.

Scene: The Lane House. Daria, expecting the place to be

someone else's house, rings the doorbell. She is startled to find Amy at

the door.

Daria: (Taking a huge risk) Mom?

Amy: Wow. (Hugs Daria) Jane told me that you forgot a few things after

being on the set so long, but I had no idea it was this bad. How're you

feeling, sweetie?

Daria: Hmmm, blank slate, everyone's different, missing the obvious, I'd

say everything's normal.

Amy: Sometimes, you worry me, even when you're fine.

Daria: You know me, Mom. I'm..

Both: ..always out to drive others crazy.

(They both laugh)

Daria: (Sighs) Mom, was I really a dealer?

Amy: What?

Daria: When I was walking around town, a few of the cast was hitting me

up for heroin, like I was a dealer. I have to know. Was I, mom?

Amy: (After thinking carefully) No.

Daria: So. Ummmm, how's the cat?

Amy: Dead.

(Later that evening, after Daria hits the sack, Andrea, Amy's

best friend stops by. She tells her about Daria's visit.)

Andrea: So, why didn't you tell Daria the truth?

Amy: I figured that even if she was dealing, this'd be my chance to see

to it that she doesn't do it any more.

Andrea: Amnesia wears off eventually.

Amy: True, but I'm hoping that by then, she'll be old enough to realize

it's a bad career choice.

Andrea: (Looking at the clock on the wall) Damn, I gotta take off.

Charles's taking me out to see that new ghost flick.

Amy: I'm sorry, but what the hell do you see in that guy? He's such an

asshole.

Andrea: That "Feissssty" stuff? That's only for the public. Underneath

all that, he's pretty cool.

Amy: (Leans over and whispers) Is it true that Upchuck is the Narrator?

Andrea: Naw, that's just one of those urban legends that goes around the

set.

(When Amy isn't looking, Andrea quickly flashes a "Thumbs-up"

sign to the camera)

Scene: The Writer's Office, the next morning.

(Writers are at a conference table, discussing their ideas for the

show when Daria, Jane, Trent, Jackie, and Quinn all walk in.)

Head Writer: Hey Dar! What can we do for you?

Daria (Holding up the script): This script, it's like a fanfic writer

wrote it.

Writer #1: Huh?

Daria (Reading lines): Ah, here. "Oh, Trent, I've always meant to tell you

how much I love you." This is total crap!

Writer #2: Hey! That's brilliance! That's depth!

Jane: No, it's shit.

Quinn (Outraged): Worst of all, I'm not even IN this script! My contract

clearly states that I get a part in every third scene of every episode!

Trent: This is even worse than the time I got sent to Los Angeles.

Jane: Ummm, Torn jeans?

Trent: (Panicked) I stand corrected.

Jesse: Now THAT was the most humiliating display I ever had to endure. I

REEEEEALLY hope somebody got fired for that one.

Head Writer: Someone WAS.

Jackie: Ummm, but he didn't go away.

(Just outside the window, a man in his 30s is scaring away the men

and women)

Man: C'mon! Lemme sculpt you!

Jesse: Don't I remember that guy from somewhere?

Trent: Wasn't his name Fritz Schnackenpfefferhausen?

Jane: That name alone sounds familiar.

Daria: Yeah, it was the name of that one German bratwurst commercial

where a little Arnold Schwartzanegger sings.

--------

Mein bratwurst has a first name,

It's F-R-I-T-Z,

Mein bratwurst has a second name,

It's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N.

--------

(Trent looks outside to the other side of the road, where people

are fleeing in terror, a girl accidentally gets shoved into some guy's

front yard, suddenly, an old guy pops his head out of a window with a

shotgun.)

Old Man: GEDDDAFUCKOFFFAMYYROOOSESSSS!!

(Suddenly, a few F-22s zip by the city, blowing up other jets.)

Daria: I can't stand that guy anymore.

Trent: I couldn't decide whether to pity him or laugh at his extensive

knowledge of the army.

Jane: Don't forget that other guy.

Daria: He was ok, but a little too depressing, even for me. The wrestling

league was kinda cool, though.

Quinn: Ewwww! The girls there were stinky and sweaty!

Jackie: Who the fuck are you to complain? You were the 1st Women's Champ.

Quinn: Don't reMIND me!

Jane: C'mon, you loved every second of it. I saw you when you got to hold

up that 10-pound gold belt.

Daria: (To the writers) You people get the point, right?

Head Writer: Yeah, sure. But, c'mon, I have to be honest here. These

writers all think you and Trent should hook up.

Daria: Quick question, Harvard-boy. Why?

Head Writer: Think about it. (Gestures toward Daria) Leading lady,

(Gestures toward Trent) leading man. I rest my case.

Trent: Why don't we just do the show after our real selves?

Writer #2: (Snickers loudly) It'd never get past the censors, not even on

Cinemax.

Jesse: Isn't Cinemax the channel for softcore porn?

Writer #3: That's what I mean. You know how Tiffany and that blonde girl

(NOT Brittany) act in public. That kind of shit'd NEVER make it past FCC

standards, not EVEN for Cinemax.

Daria: I'm leaning towards the "Real Us" idea.

Jane: Hey, we could all share a dozen back-to-back apartment rooms and

have our lives taped.

Writer #1: The Real World on acid?

Jackie: That'd turn a lot of heads.

Head Writer: I can already picture it; A heroin dealer (Daria), a

deathmetal musician (Trent), a wannabe gangsta rapper (Mackenzie), a teen

lesbian fashion freak (Tiffany), a kickboxing feminist (Barch), a

houshold of two pairs of greedy siblings at each other's throats (Helen,

Linda, Quinn, Sandi), a psychotic biker chick (Stacy), a stripper

(Defoe), a suck-up intern (Bennett), and a loony beatnik (Jane).

Quinn: Ewww! I'd actually have to LIVE with these people?!!?

Head Writer: It'd all go straight to hell in the first five minutes!

Writer #4: Ok, I can see you all pretty much hate the script. Here,

(Fishes out copies of a new script and hands them to the cast) I made

this one the other day.

Daria: (Reading the summary) "The Shitty" Daria and co. go to the big

city to a Mystik Spiral gig, and cause trouble on just about every corner.

(Scans the pages for something) Nope, no D&T soapies, this'll do just

fine.

Head Writer: Great, I'll call the director, and we'll be ready to go.

(Everyone leaves the room, as Quinn is about to leave, she

goes...)

Quinn: Am I in this one?

(Jane shoves her through the door to keep the flow)

Head Writer: So, now that we got that one ready, any other ideas?

Writer #1: How about a Daria variety hour?

Head Writer: Too risque. Put it in the "Last Resort" pile.

(He does just that, the pile is overflowing with scripts.)

Scene: The set for MTV's Daria, the next day. While the staff is

scouting for on-location locales for the episode, they decide to get the

room scenes done today. Daria's in the car with Amy, about to drop Daria

off.

Amy: Knock 'em dead, k?

Daria: You know I will, mom.

(Amy kisses Daria on the cheek)

Daria: Bye, mom.

Amy: Bye.

(Daria gets out of the car and heads to the studio, taking one

last look at Amy as she drives away, and goes inside. She sees everyone

getting ready for the show, and walks into the dressing room, the camera

pans above the door to a clock. The clock goes ahead ten minutes, and out

comes Daria, looking the same. She goes over to her place on the set.)

Director: Ok, we ready?

(Everyone nods)

Director: Lights! Camera! ACTION!

{Fin}

Editor's note: for two years, I've watched the way people write Daria

fanfics. I've seen the way people talk about the show. I've even seen some

people pray that writers get fired for their "Crappy episodes". This is my

way of saying "You don't know how Daria acts and thinks, so stop acting

like you do."

People complain over how badly an episode was written for days. So far,

people have only complained about "The New Kid", "Daria!" and "Depth Takes

a Holiday", seeing as how those were the only three that was totally

off-the-wall. I just don't see the big picture here. The writers get paid

to write episodes, and if the big cheese likes it (aka: Glenn Echler. God

bless his creations.), then it goes on. I'm sick and tired of these

holier-than-thou, so-called, Daria "Superfans" that think they know what's

best for the show, that think they OWN the show.

Only a select few know what's best for the show, and those are the writers

themselves. They know that Daria is a cartoon, and ANYTHING can happen in

a cartoon. They know that sooner or later, you have to have a little fun.

They know that Daria isn't a soap-opera (As what most fans tend to

believe). Every time I see a new fanfic, it's usually a serious fanfic,

with hardly any comedic value, and too much drama. If Glenn were to have

wanted Daria to be this way, he wouldn't have bothered with animation, and

would have just cast a live-action show (At least then, Moesha would have

a little competition).

Keep it real? I think not. Daria is about comedy and morals, not a show

entirely about Daria and Trent's supposed relationship. That reminds me,

this subject has been so beaten to death, I don't give a shit anymore if

they get together. Hell, I hope they both stay single (After all, they'll

be Sophomores for the duration of time itself) forever. At least THAT

would be different.

Chris Smith - The Reality Check

Http://www.wvinter.net/~cws