BEAVIS & BUTT HEAD

THE DARIA HORROR PICTURE SHOW

While I ain't sure what The Rocky Horror Picture

Show is the registered trademark of, I know Daria

(along with Beavis & Butt Head) is the trademark of

MTV .

Fender & The Stratocaster is a trademark of Fender

guitars.

The Cres-Cor Crown-X is a trademark of Cres-Cor

Corp.

Ampeg is a trademark of Ampeg guitar amplifiers.

Anything else mentioned is a trademark of their

So here it is.........a cross over parody for

the Daria universe.

CHAPTER 1: A marriage made in Hell.

(We see the big mouth of Jane Lane moving, but

the voice is that of her brother

Trent singing......)

SCIENCE FICTION LAWNDALE FEATURE

Parody of Science Fiction Double Feature

Performed by Trent Lane

Trent:

Angela Li was ill the day Lawndale stood

still, yet she told us....where we stand

and Stacy Rowe was there buyin' new

underwear;

Upchuck was The Invisible Ham.

Then good luck came when

we all played at the Zen;

it was a cool major big grungefest jam

Jesse picked up the pace;

Max was in, outer space,

and here is how Nick's message ran:

(Here Jane's mouth turns to black and

white while the credits change)

Trent:

Science fiction, Lawndale feature

Janet Barch, will build a creature

See Daria and Tom, escape from

Janet

Trent and Jane Lane come, from

their home planet.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh......

At the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show.

THE DARIA HORROR

PICTURE SHOW

Starring Daria Morgendorffer

(Our Heroine)

Tom Sloane (Her boyfriend)

Jane Lane (A maid)

Trent Lane (Jane's brother)

Quinn Morgendorffer

(Daria's sister)

(Back to color Jane's mouth turns to

while Trent's singing resumes)

Trent:

I know sweet Brittany Taylor, was no

bimbo failure, when her beau Kevin

took, to the hills

And it was a big pain, when my pop

Vincent Lane lost his silver nitrate fluid

that kills.

Sandi Griffin, it proves, gave Quinn the

ruse, in usin' her Fashion Club skills.

"But when brains collide," said Tom

Sloane to his bride, "I wanna give you

some cynical chills, like a--"

(Again Jane's mouth is black and white

for the last set of credits)

Trent:

Science fiction, Lawndale feature

Janet Barch, will build a creature

See Daria and Tom, escape from

Janet

Trent and Jane Lane come, from

their home planet.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......

At the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show. I wanna go

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......

To the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show. Please don't say no.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......

At the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show. In the back row.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.........

At the late night........Lawndale

feature.....picture.....show...........

Claire Defoe (The art teacher &

narrator)

Janet Barch (A hypocritical male

hating teacher turned scientist)

Tim O'Neill (A creature teacher)

Kevin Thomson (A football star)

Brittany Taylor (Kevin's groupie)

(We see, at a Roman Catholic church, a wedding

finishing up,and at one point, we see in the

crowd, Jane and Trent, muttering their statements.

Right now, all the groups make ready for a

standard photo.)

Andrea: Here they come!!

(Out from the church come Mack and Jodie----the

bride and groom,as if you didn't know. They meet

up with the group for the photo.)

Vincent Lane: Let's get a shot, you all..........

say POO POO!!

All: POO POO!!

Vincent: Congrats!! Now I can bring home the bacon

for my Mandy!!

(We see Mack talking with Tom Sloane)

Mack: Well, I guess Jodie got her way. At least

now, I don't have to hear that Kevin call me

Mack Daddy.

Tom: I feel for you. Guess Quinn's advice on

popping the question to Jodie reaped dividends

for you.

Mack: Maybe they'll work for you and Daria.

Tom (stammering): W-welll, I don't know.......

I am a meat an' potatoes dude, an' Daria's into

burgers........

Jodie: Here comes the bouquet!!

(The Lawndale cheerleaders cheer and jump wildly;

Jodie makes the toss; and it falls in Daria's

hand.)

Daria (deadpan): Whoopee. I got the bouquet.

Mack: Hey, man, looks like you're the next

victim.

Tom: That action's nowhere. It's one thing for

me an' Daria to date; it's another when it comes

to marriage.

Mack: Time to bust a move to Niagra. Peace out,

all of you!! Let's go, Jodie!!

(Jodie and Mack's car drives off, everyone but

Daria and Tom chasing it; our protagonists walk

through the graveyard past a sign reading,

"Lawndale, The Home Of MTV Animation.")

Daria: S-O---------our school prez was once,

plain 'ol Jodie Landon, now she's Ms. Jodie

Jordan.

Tom: You got to admit, Mack can be a lucky dude.

Daria: At least he don't have to worry ' bout

Jodie callin' him Mack Daddy.

Tom: You sure it ain't Daddy Mack? Oh.......

speaking of lucky.......

DAMMIT DARIA

Parody of Dammit Janet

Performed by Tom Sloane &

Daria Morgendorffer

Tom:

Hey Daria.....

Daria:

What Tom?

Tom:

I got somethin' to say.

Daria:

What?

Tom:

I love the way you just stand like a zombie

for that bouquet.

Daria (blushing):

Oh Tom.

Tom:

The Daria show rules, but it's all over (Daria)

Canceled an' gone forever (Daria)

So please, don't say that you love Trent (Daria)

I've just got one thing to say an' it's Dammit,

Daria, I love you.

(Daria smirks while Tom turns his back to her)

Tom (continued):

Jane Lane loved me but you stopped it. (Daria)

The fires of my love is small so you fan it. (Daria)

If there's one Daria pairing, that is it. (Daria)

I've just got one thing to say, an' it's Dammit,

Daria, I love you.

Here's a ring that proves I ain't no slacker

There's four ways that love can go

Beavis, Butt Head, Aeon Flux an'you

Oh, D-A-R-I-A, I LOVE you so!!

(After Tom places the engagement ring on her

finger, Daria runs in the church with Tom in tow)

Daria:

Oh it's so nicer than my pierced navel. (Oh Tom)

Now we're engaged an' we'll raise hell (Oh Tom)

An' you're better than that slacker Trent Lane (Oh Tom)

I've one thing to say, to that effect, Tom,

I love you, too, oh......

(Daria and Tom walk down the aisle)

Tom:

Oh dammit!!

Daria:

Oh Tom.

Tom:

Oh Daria.

Daria:

For you.

Tom:

I love you too.

Daria & Tom:

Just one thing left to

do-------ah--------ooooooooo......

Tom:

So let's see your cousin--I mean your sister.(Daria)

The redhead that acts like a twister. (Daria)

She's so popular, yet loves to panic. (Daria)

I just got one thing to say, an' it's Dammit,

Daria, I love you.

Dammit, Daria.

Daria:

Oh,Tom, your mom.......

Tom:

Dammit, Daria.

Daria & Tom:

I love you.....

(The two kiss; yes, even Daria, as cynical as

she is, can have feelings too.......)

CHAPTER 2: Party hearty blues

(The scene changes to the art room of Lawndale

High, where, among the paintings and a world

globe, is the art teacher, Claire Defoe, who

speaks to the audience/reader)

Defoe: Wassup? Yowsa, sweetie. I would like,

uh, if I may, to take you on a strange journey

that is more surrealistic than the paintings of

H. R. Giger. It seemed to be a run of the mill

night when Daria Morgendorffer and fiance,

Tom Sloane, went on that late November night,

to head back to their hometown of Lawndale,

to meet up with Daria's sister, Quinn

Morgendorffer, the popular sweetie face,

and vice president of Lawndale High's Fashion

Club.

(Defoe inspects some of Jane's paintings,

and reads through an art book.)

Defoe (continued): It's true there were dark

storm clouds, heavy and black, than the ones in

Salvadore Dali, towards where they were heading.

It's true also, that Tom had five flat tires in his

car--and one of them was the spare, but, the fact

they were brains in love, and on a night out.....

well, they weren't allowing a storm foul up the

events of their evening, were they?

(Defoe stares in the camera eye for effect)

Defoe: On a night out......it was a night out

they were going to remember.....for a long

time.......

(The rain starts to pour, when Tom's car reaches

a sign that reads, DEAD END--and that is when all

four tires go flat----POW!! POW!! POW!! POW!!)

Tom: Oh, great, four flat tires!! And what's worse,

we must've taken a wrong turn!!

Daria: Another triumph for the fickle finger of

fate.

Tom: Least you got your cell phone your lawyer mom

gave you.

Daria (stammering): Cell.....phone.........?!?

I knew there WAS something I forgot!!

Tom: Oh foo!! (hits the back of his head with his

hand) It couldn't get any worse; all we can do now,

is hope for the boogey man to end our miseries.

Daria: Maybe Dr.Who may show up and we can hitch a

ride on his Tardis.

Tom: What's that up ahead?

(To the left, is a huge citadel, the size of The New

York, New York hotel & casino in Vegas, resembling the

cylindrical glass towers of the Los Angeles Hotel

Bonaventure, but with four black fork shaped twin

smokestacks, belching orange smoke in the

black stormy sky, flanking the center glass tower.)

Daria: Offhand, I'd say it's one of those mirage

buildings you hear of on Sick Sad World.

Tom: Only one way to be sure. Wait here, they may

got a phone I can use.

Daria: Don't leave me alone, I wanna come with you.

Besides, it's how horror films start that way.

Tom: True, but it's how comedy films start out that

way.

Daria:Tell that to Hollywood.

(The two, sheilding themselves with newspapers from

the rain, head to the citadel, approaching the high

wall and the open gate, a few signs on it reading,

BEWARE OF CASA BARCH!! NO USELESS MALES ALLOWED!!

ENTER @ YOUR OWN RISK!! Along the way, Daria and

Tom burst into song.)

OVER AT THE SCARY OLD PLACE

Parody of Over At The Frankenstein Place

Performed by Daria Morgendorffer, Tom

Sloane & Trent Lane

Daria:

In the ol' man winter

of an avarage night,

burnin' bright, there's a guidin' star.

Yet it ain't Gwen Stephani.

Daria & Tom:

There's a light......

over at the scary old place.

There's a light......

Brightly shinin' in N-space.

There's a light, light makin' like some ol'

UFO spacecraft gem.

(Inside the citadel, seeing the approaching

duo, dressed like Riff Raff, from a window,

is Trent.)

Trent:

Could that gal be the one I dated before ago?

Nah, couldn't be, must've slept for so long,

oh no

Imagination, imagination......

Daria & Tom:

There's a light........over at the scary old

place

There's a light.........

Brightly shinin' in N-space.

There's a light, light, we follow to the

next storyline here, now.

(Back to Lawndale High; we see Defoe inspecting

Jane's artwork she did of the anoerexic girl for

the story Arts & Crass.)

Defoe: "She knows she's a winner, she couldn't

be thinner, now she goes to the bathroom and----"

(Startled, she turns to the camera) Oh!! I forgot

you were here....sorry.....(composes herself)

And so it seemed that the MTV execs had

smiled on Daria and Tom, and that they had

found the help they sought........(close up,

while Defoe raises an eyebrow)........or

HAD they.........?

(We see several cars parked near the wall.

At the base of the citadel, Daria and Tom

stand before a huge blast door)

Daria: Uh......Tom, maybe I should stay with

the pile of junk you call a car.

Tom: A bit late for that. I admit, whoever

lives here, must be eccentric.

Daria: Must be that Celine Dionne, married

name unknown who lives here. Everyone hates

her now, so she's got to have a safe place.

(The huge door opens, and Trent greets the two.)

Trent: Yo.

Tom: Listen, the name's Tom Slone, an' she's

Daria Morgendorffer, which is German for

"morning town." Can we use your phone? We've

got four flat tires on my car a few miles behind.

You got a phone we can use?

Trent: You're wet. (laugh/coughs)

Daria: Well, duh, it's raining........!!

Trent: Good one. (laugh/coughs) I think you

two best come inside.

Tom: Thanks, or somethin' like that.

(He and Daria enter, with Trent in tow.

The interior of the place starts out with what

looks like those antique stores, only with neon

signs, clocks, arcade machines, gas pumps, and

other pop culture stuff. Ahead,we see a stairway,

to the left, a set of double doors, marked with

The Doors logo, and in the center of the room,

a cylindrical tube elevator the size of a freight

elevator; other than that, its decor is similar

to the interior of the RHPS house, but with the

stuff mentioned above.)

Tom: What a place......!!

Daria: Must be early Pee Wee's Playhouse.

Trent: Follow me, please. (He leads Daria and

Tom to the double doors.)

Daria: We saw a lot of cars parked out there;

is there a party in the works?

Trent: You've arrived on a rather special night;

it's one of our mistress' affairs.

Daria: Whoop de do. Lucky her.

(Trent's sister Jane, wearing the Mangenta maid

uniform and black thigh highs, arrives with a

paintbrush and a palette, and leans on the

stairway bannister.)

Jane: You're lucky, he is lucky, I am lucky,

we're ALL LUCKY!! (laughs) Yo, you two wanna

pose for my next painting?

(Just then, Trent notices one of the neon

clocks, then grabs his electric guitar,which

is equipped with a wireless FM transmitter,

patched into his amplifier, and strums it.)

THE SPIRAL WARP

Parody of The Time Warp

Performed by Trent & Jane Lane,

Claire Defoe, Brittany Taylor & The

Lawndalians

Trent:

It's astoundin'

Fame is fleetin'

Critics take their toll

but listen closely----

Jane:

Not for rather much longer.

Trent:

Mystik Sprial.......is the soul.

(Trent does his Riff Raff dance while

playing his guitar.)

Trent:

I remember, doin' The Sprial Warp.

when we, jammed at The Zen

Our luck then was fallin'

Trent & Jane:

Till good fortune came callin'............

(The doors open, to a ballroom, where we see

dozens of our fave Lawndalians--Sandi, Tiffany

and Stacy, a.k.a. The Fashion Club, The 3 J's,

Jake and Helen, Vincent and Amanda Lane, the

Lawndale High faculty, The Lawndale High

cheerleaders, Dr. Philips from Ill, the Guptys

from Pinch Sitter, much of the Lane clan, and so

forth--dance. On the stage at the far end, we see

the rest of Mystik Sprial--Jesse, Nick and

Max--play, along with Monique on a synth system.)

The Lawndalians:

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(The scene changes to Claire Defoe's art

room, where she points out a diagram of a

guitar)

Defoe:

It's just a strum to the left.

(Back to the ballroom)

The Lawndalians:

An' then a strum to the right.

(Back to Lawndale High)

Defoe:

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

(Back to the ballroom)

The Lawndalians:

While playin' outa sight

an' with those decibels,

it's sure to drive you insane

Let's do The Sprial Warp again

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

Jane:

It's so dreamy, but MTV freed me.

Canceled by the bigwigs, I saw it all.

In a matter of moments, we were out of work.

Now forgotten? Not at all.

Trent:

So MTV gave our pink slips

Jane:

Right after our last quips

Trent:

And we'd never get our show back again.

Jane:

Let's protest to the nation.

Trent:

For our reputation!!

The Lawndalians:

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(At that moment, Brittany, dressed up like

Columbia, complete with a top hat, jumps off

the juke box she's been sittin' on, and does

her thing.)

Brittany:

Well I was walkin' down the street with

no shoes on my feet

Me an' Kevvy just-a kissin', so discreet

then along came Janet Barch and co.

They broke up our hijinks

then hired us, to be their servants

Me, a dancer, Kevvy a janitor.

The Lawndalians:

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

Defoe:

It's just a strum to the left.

The Lawndalians:

An' then a strum to the right.

Defoe:

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

The Lawndalians:

While playin' outa sight

an' with those decibels,

it's sure to drive you insane.

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(Here, Brittany does the RHPS tap dance

sequence, right up to when she falls;

Daria does her Mona Lisa grin.)

The Lawndalians:

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

Defoe:

It's just a strum to the left.

The Lawndalians:

An' then a strum to the right.

Defoe:

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

The Lawndalians:

While playin' outa sight

an' with those decibels,

it's sure to drive you insane

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(Monique plays a descending synth portamento

coda while the Lawndalians along with Trent,

Jane and Brittany fall to the floor.)

Daria: Uh, Tom, say something.

Tom: Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha, Diarrhea,

cha, cha, cha----oops, wrong show......

Daria: (sigh) Least what we saw ruled.

They oughta play at The Zen.

Nick: You hear that, man? A new

challenge for The Sprial.

Max: Oh boy!! We're criminales, ready to

take on the big time!!

Jesse: Cool.

Monique: Amen.

Trent: I'll buy that.

Tom: If I were a phone, where would I be?

Daria: Next to The Yellow Pages. Let's ask

that butler where it's at.

(No sooner do Daria and Tom make a move,

there is a big humming sound behind them;

the elevator is the source, meaning it's

descending and indeed it does. The doors open,

and out steps Janet Barch in a satin black cape,

walking disdianflully past the male Lawndalians,

till she stops before Daria and Tom.)

OL' CRUEL TEACHER

Parody of Sweet Transvestite (ugh!!)

Performed by Janet Barch

Barch:

How'd you do, I

So you met my,

useless, loser man.

(Barch points to Trent)

Barch(continued):

He's just a lazy slacker

because, when you knocked,

he thought you were the,

guitar man.

(Barch struts along the ballroom floor)

Barch:

Don't get turned on, by the way I look

I am tough just like Danny Glover

I ain't a kind teacher by the light of day,

but at night, I am one HELL of a lover!!

(Off comes the cape, revealing Barch in a black

satin Merry Widow bustier, with black thigh highs.)

Barch:

I am just an ol' cruel teacher

from my home state of,

Pennsylvania.

(Barch gives a rude raspberry in disgust to Tom,

then turns to Daria)

Barch(to Daria):

Your boyfriend's scummy

like my spouse, so crummy

but you, look like you're oh so groovy

If you want somethin' visual,

it ain't so abysmal,

we could take in an old k.d. Lang movie

(Aware of Barch's hatred of males, Tom nonetheless

steps up to her, with Daria at his side)

Tom: At least we found you at home........

(Tom points to Daria and gently nudges her to Barch)

Tom(continued):

........can she use your phone?

We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Daria:

Right.

(Tom casually starts to back away)

Tom:

She'll just stand by your side, while I wait outside;

we don't wanna be any worry.

Barch:

Well you got stuck with a flat?

Well.......how 'bout that?

Well, stupids------don't you panic!!

By the light of the night, it'll all

seem just right; I'll get you a strong

female mechanic!!

I am just an ol' cruel teacher

from my home state of,

Pennsylvania.

(Barch makes her way to a throne near the stage,

and settles down; Jane,Trent and Brittany place

themselves 'round the throne, Barch glowering at

Trent from time to time, to Jane's disdain----I

made it ryhme!!)

Barch:

So why don't you, stay for the night?

Trent:

Night.

Barch:

And maybe, a bite?

Brittany:

Bite.

Barch:

I could show you, my latest, obsession.

I've been makin'a wimp, that don't act like

a gimp, and he is good for my male hatin'..........

tension.

I am just an ol'cruel teacher

from my home state of,

Pennsylvania.

LET'S HIT IT!!

I am just an ol' cruel teacher.....

Trent, Jane & Brittany:

Ol' cruel teacher.........

(Barch walks back to the elevator)

Barch:

..........from my home state of,

Trent, Jane & Brittany:

Pennsylvania.........uh huh.......

(Barch turns to Daria and Tom)

Barch:

So---------come up to my lab----

An' see what's on my slab----

(Barch directs her next words to Daria)

Barch (continued):

I see you fightin'......off antici------------

Jane, Trent, Brittany & The Lawndalians:

SAY IT!!

Barch (continued):

---------pation............

But our acid rain,

just ain't really to blame,

so I'll remove your brains.......

(Barch snickers)

Barch (continued):

.......but not.....your talent!!!!

(Barch stabs a button on the elevator's control panel,

and the door slams with a hiss; the elevator car goes up

to who knows where. At that moment, Trent and Jane bring a

pair of privicy screens for Tom and Daria; behind one's own

screen, the two change. After that, Daria is now in her

standard sleep wear, while Tom is in a t shirt and briefs.)

Tom: Uh, the name's Tom Sloane an' she's my babe,

Daria Morgendorffer.

Brittany (twirling her pigtails): Uh, you're lucky to be

invited up to Ms. Barch's lab; she only allows priviliged

people up there.

Tom: You've seen it?

Brittany (blushing): An' more........eep!!

Daria: Sounds like she's the new model for Victoria's

Secret.

Trent (laughing/coughing): Good one, Daria. (Starts to usher

Daria and Tom into the elevator) Let's go, Ms. Barch don't like

to be kept waitin'.

Jane: MOVE IT!! (Then in a timid way) Sorry. I've been hangin'

with Barch for too long.

Daria: It's OK. Whoever that Barch is, she's like Ming The

Merciless getting in touch with his feminine side.

Tom: That is, if he had one.

Trent: Good one. (He and Jane laugh. After that, they all

enter the elevator; the door closes, and the elevator

heads up to the upper level.)

Tom: Time well spent, I think.

Daria (to Trent): Is Barch you wife?

Brittany: EEP!!

Trent: She used to be married, until her spouse ran out

on her. Since then, she's been hatin' any an' all males,

even me. But in my POV, she never will BE married; we're

just her....minions.

Daria: Sorry I asked.

Jane: Good one (laughs)

CHAPTER 3: Happy birthday, Skinny!!

(The elevator door opens, and the group steps out into a

vast red tiled room with an upper gallery with ramps and

stairs; right now, we see the Lawndalians there, overlooking

the activities at hand. Below, surrounding the perimiter of

the room, we see some statues of female Amazon warriors,

passages leading to different rooms of the building. Across

from the elevator is a curtained doorway. At the right hand

part of the wall is a huge control panel with digital LED

clocks for the different time zones of the world, along with

TV screens, computer keyboard units, switches, buttons,

levers, LED read outs, printers, and so forth. Next to that,

on the panel's right hand side, is another blast door,

stenciled with UNIVERSAL PROTOTYPE DEEP FREEZER #541 CAUTION!!

ABSOLUTE ZERO!! In the center of the room, is a huge Cres-Cor

Crown-X 7 foot tall electric heating cabinet, used for heating

restraunt food, now with several insulated electrodes sticking

out from the top; above that, hanging from the ceiling, is a

series of electrodes, a 5 foot gap between those, and the

ones on the Cres-Cor cabinet. And standing near it, adjusting

its onboard controls, in a white smock, is Barch, who turns

to Daria and co.)

Barch: Jane, Brittany, go help your loser Trent. I will

entertain.

Tom: Uh.....the name's Tom Sloane, and she's Diarrhea

Morgendorffer.

Daria: "Daria."

Barch: SHADDAP, YOU!! OR ELSE!! SHEESH!! (calms down)

It ain't often we get visitors here, let alone offer our

hospitality. But if there is one thing I CANNOT stand,

is (points to Tom) a MAN!! (belches rudely)

Tom: Never mind the sexist hatred!! We don't give a hang

'bout what goes on here, but we asked you to use your phone,

which you don't care 'bout!!

Daria: Tell me all 'bout it.

Barch (to Tom): How STUU-----PID of you.....such a ugly

parasite of a man. So useless!! (To Daria) You must be out

of your mind to hang with....a MAN!!

Daria: I try from time to time.

Trent (to Barch): We're ready.

Barch: Then let's get started. (to Daria and Tom)

Follow me.

(Barch, Daria and Tom head to the giant control panel,

where Trent, Jane and Brittany wait. From there, Barch

turns to the Lawndalians above in the upper part of the

room and addresses them.)

Barch: To all my minions, the Lawndalians, and--UGH--

you......you......MALES!! Prepare to be stupid----uh,

I meant stupified, with my latest innovation. For years,

we women were maltreated by the ultimate scum of the Earth,

known as the male gender, taking advantage of women,

treating them like servants......But tonight, all that

will change......what you're 'bout to see, is a breakthrough

in biogenetic research........to clone from DNA scratch, a

REAL wimp of a male for me, to serve me and take out his own

trash cans!!

(Applause)

Barch (continued): You, the doubters, get a ringside seat,

for a major first in MTV history, since Xmas, Halloween and

Guy Fawkes Day came from Holiday High. Not since that Britney

Spears broke up with that loser Justin, have we come up with

.......an invention to solve every woman's problem!!

(To Jane and Trent) Prepare the protoplasmic armature!!

(Trent and Jane haul a huge log shaped hunk of white wax,

set it upright in the cabinet, slam its door, and head to

the control panel.)

Jane: All set. All cloning matrix readings say danger is go.

Barch: Activate all systems. Start the extended range fixed

filter bank.

Brittany: Extended range fixed filter bank activated.

Barch: Start voltage controlled lowpass filter.

Trent: Voltage controlled lowpass filter activated.

Barch: Start voltage controlled highpass filter.

Jane: Voltage controlled highpass filter activated.

Barch: Channeling all DNA fluids to the cloning matrix....

setting power to 1200, 000 volts...........tang.......go!!

(Barch throws a pair of knife switches, and countless

lightning bolts shoot out from the overhead electrodes to

the ones on the cabinet, which shakes, rattles and rolls

for 4 minutes, then on one of the screens, a display reading

FINISHED flashes; Barch turns the power off, approaches the

cabinet and opens it. Out steps, in a gold tank top and gold

swimming trunks, is Timothy O'Neill.)

O'Neill: Hellllllllo,everyone!! Wanna form a feeling circle

with me?

Barch (overjoyed): Oh, SKINNY!!!!!!!!

Daria: It's alive........!!

(O'Neill starts running 'round the room, up the stairs,

running past the amused Lawndalians, with Barch chasing him

lustfully)

THE SWORD OF JANET BARCH

Parody of The Sword Damoclese

Perfomed by Timothy O'Neill &

The Lawndalians

O'Neill:

The sword of Janet Barch is hangin' over my head

an' I've got the feelin' someone wants me real dead.

Oh, woe is me, why was I born a wimp?

Oh, can't you see, that I ain't got no backbone, poor me?

I woke up from the steely box, and I am a crybaby.

The Lawndalians:

That ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

An' what's worse, I was born with a bad asmtha problem.

The Lawndalians:

That ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

My love life's low

I teach self esteem on the go

Yet all I know is, I can't seem to teach my students.

Barch:

Oh, Timmy!!

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh no, no, no.

The sword of Janet Barch is hangin' over my head.

The Lawndalians:

That ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

An' I've got the feelin' someone wants me real dead.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery

An', can't you see, that I am the wimpiest teacher

in Lawndale?

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh, no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh, no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime,

sha, la, la, la..........

(O'Neill comes to a stop at the control panel before Trent,

Jane and Brittany before Barch reaches him.)

Barch: You.......you MAN!! Well really......!! That

ain't no way to behave on your first day!!

O'Neill: Sorry. Guess I got carried away.

Barch: Sorry? SORRY?!? But since you're an exceptional

beauty, I've got to forgive you. Oh, I just love

success.

Trent: He's a credit to Alt. Lawndale. com.

Barch: Yes.

Jane: A triumph of Sick Sad World.

Barch: Yes.

Brittany: He's OK.

(Everyone stares at Brittany as if she had just

said something blasphemous.)

Brittany: What?

Barch: OK? OK?!? I think we can do better that that.

O'Neill: Then let's all say, "Brava, brava!!"

The Lawndalians: BRAVA!! BRAVA!!

Barch: So funny, I forgot to laugh.......(leads

O'Neill to Daria and Tom) So what do you think of him?

Tom: Someone call Ripley--as in Believe It Or Not.

Daria: Just what we need-------a wimpy version cross

twixt Upchuck and Mariah Carey, fortified with a touch

of Cameron Diaz for extra wimpiness.

Upchuck's voice: Rrrrrrrrrrrrr, fiesty.

Barch: I DIDN'T make him for you, DUH!! He (gesturing

at O'Neill) carries the Gloria Steinham seal of

approval!! (Leads O'Neill to a pile of books, each

with a tag reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SKINNY, while

singing the next tune)

I CAN MAKE YOU MY MAN

Parody of I Can Make You A Man

Performed by Janet Barch & The

Lawndalians

Barch:

A tough man, weighin' 200 pounds,

will get beat by his wife, when kicked

to the ground.

An' with cash as the source,

for the wife's divorce.......

The sweat from his pores, as the man

loses all.....

will make him cower an' fret,

an' with cringin', an' just a small bit

of re....gret....

He'll be toast, an' all set!!

He'll be a.......weak man!!

Oh darling----

Barch & The Lawndalians:

But a sneak man!!

Barch:

He'll bring me breakfast, in my bed,

an' take out the trash,

Try to pay alimony,

with bona fide cash

Such an effort,

if he only knew of my plan;

in just seven days--

Barch & The Lawndalians:

I can make you, my man.........!!

Barch:

He'll then booze it, an' lose it,

at poker, that jerk!!

He thinks romancin' women,

must be hard work.

Such riotous living----

I just don't understand----

When in just seven days,

oh Skinny----

I can make you, my man..............!!

(On the giant panel, a light labeled DEEP FREEZE

flashes, and the freezer door opens; cold fog swirls

out, while the sound of a motorcycle can be heard.)

Brittany: KEVVY!!

(From behind a wall of ice blocks in the freezer,

we hear Kevin Thomson.)

Kevin's voice: Uh, like, welcome to Nuts World,

uh, no, uh, POW!! BLAM!! KABLOOEY!! Ratboy rocks!!

NO!! That ain't it!! Now I remember.....!!

(The sound of a motorcyle starts up, and Kevin,

on a chopper, if not a hog, crashes through the ice

block wall, and Brittany climbs on, riding all over the

lab, just doing what Meat Loaf did in RHPS--you get

the idea.)

OH, SWEET BRITTANY, MAKE THE CALL

(That was the best I could do)

Parody of Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul

Perfomed by Kevin Thomson

Kevin:

Whatever happened to school football night?

I miss those days an' those ol' football plays

I had The Pigskin Channel an' Rat Boy.

Along came Brittany who made me her boy toy.

We used to bicker an' sometimes make out

until Janet Barch stepped in an' would shout:

"Beat it,Kevin!! You crummy male cur!!

Get outa here!!" SHEESH!! What a lousy grouch!!

Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!

(Despite herself, Barch picks up a saxophone

and plays a sax solo)

Kevin:

Tommy Sherman used to be a football star

To me, he was legend, so he was my hero,

but to the others, he was such a zero.

Yet they named a goalpost in his honor

He tried hit on Britt, THAT was so sick!!

No wonder he couldn't fit in anyone's clique

Worse still, he even put down The Misery Chick.

The goalpost fell!! NO!! Poor Tommy was dead!!

Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!

(repeat x12)

(While the tune nears the end, Brittany does her

cheerleader moves; taking the advantage, Barch

unsheaths two 7 foot samurai swords, and with inhuman

precision, hurls them like javelins----and they

impale through Kevin's heart. Soon after that, Kevin

falls down, dead. After the tune finishes, Brittany

sees what happened to Kevin, shrieks, runs to his dead

form, and cries.)

Barch: One for the Lawndale Morgue.

Brittany: WHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My poor Kevvy!!!!!!!!

Barch: Don't be upset......it was just a mercy kill.

Besides, he's with the winners now.

Brittany: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (to Barch)

You're so mean!!!! (Kicks Barch in the stomach before

she hightails it from the lab.)

Barch: OOOOOOOFFFFFF!!!!!! Stupid ungrateful brat!!

O'Neill: Now THAT must hurt.

(Barch recovers and turns to O'Neill.)

Barch: Oh,Timmy!! Please understand.........he had a

naive followin', but.........no wimpiness.

Daria: That is sure to set Mary Shelley back 1200 years.

Tom: Not to mention Hollywood.

(Trent and Jane approach Barch and help her out from her

smock, and we can see she's still in her black satin